A poor child's wealth is hard to find and so much harder to live from day to day. You learn from an early age that what is going on all around you does not make sense, when you are standing on the other side. Surely, the grass is greener, and the life is better in the white picket fenced houses on the other side of town.
No matter the city or town, the house next door always looks better - more normal, more functional, more sane, and happier. Almost everyone and everything looks better on the other side of the street, on the road, and in the classroom, especially in the classroom.
Hand-me-downs or hand-me-ups - from where? From whom? I don't know! I am the oldest! The oldest of seven, since ten! Why did we move so much? What is love, and nurturing, and security? What is wrong with me? With my family? I don't belong with these people, or on this side of town, or in this school, and especially in this classroom where mostly everyone seems to be blessed with whatever they need in life. Surely, I am here because my parents, well my mom, needs time out. School is like a babysitter. That's it!
That's why I'm here, just like everyone else. I'll just fill a chair and wait for the lunch bell, and hold my breath for recess, and count the hours till the end of the school day. Tomorrow comes and I know that it will be more of the same. I know that I will never measure up, fit in or belong and today is baseball. I know that if I can just hit that ball straight and hard through the field, maybe I won't suffer the humiliation of being the last picked for a team. And so, I learn to hit that ball! Wow, it is starting to work. I hear my name closer to the beginning. What a revelation, what a relief!
I hate getting up in the morning. I hate oatmeal, and powered milk, and peanut butter and jelly. How can anyone in their right mind eat that crap? Especially, the oatmeal; it looks like puke! I really hate school. I plan well in advance to have a stomach ache, a headache, or something else, many times a year. Just be convincing, I learned quick to make it work, and it did. I'll never forget the time, I made the ceiling spin to really get sick and dizzy, and I did. That day I stayed home, with some regret. Why did I have to make it so real?
So much better to lie around watching I Love Lucy, The Beaver, and Let's Make a Deal. These three were my favorites. What a comfort not to have to deal with the format and lessons of the day at school. I really hated school for so many reasons, especially, not having good clothes to wear, like 99% of the class, or so it seemed! That's one thing that I will change as soon as I figure out just how to do that, and I did!
When I was eleven, we moved to the next town over and I knew that this was the time to make my transformation. The timing was perfect and I was to enter Junior High School. I had big plans and was ready to do whatever it would take to become a whole new me with a whole new attitude and life. I was almost twelve, and thereafter I learned to lie, I skipped a year, and said that I was thirteen. I started babysitting and earned my own money, usually fifteen dollars a week. I was not extravagant, but my appearance began to improve, as I learned to take the reigns of my own life. Okay, you caught me, I already knew how to lie!
On the outside, things must have appeared that, all was well within, but looking back from the future, so much was actually a time bomb just waiting to explode, and it did, at some future date. I had become a perfectionist, and pretty much still am. I found that my life had spiraled into an abyss of darkness and depression by the time I was nineteen or twenty, preceded by alcohol and substances, toxic relationships, and the birth of my two precious children.
While working at the hospital in dietary, I was introduced to alcohol and marijuana, which became my first love. To this day, it is something I will always think fondly of, but something I have had to divorce myself from. I found myself in the mirror of truth, realizing that I could not afford to chance what the affects may ultimately be creating for me, and I did not want to retreat into darkness and depression. The insanity of bipolar illness, which had already eaten away so many years of my life, with numerous hospitalizations and personal loss and heartache.
Not to mention the affect my foolish choices and parenting weaknesses had upon my two precious children. To this day, our togetherness and unity, has been shattered in ways that I would love to change, but don't know how to make it all better, like every parent would, right? So many hard and painful things happened over the years. I don't see my two precious children that much, and missed 80% of their childhoods. I grieved over the heartache and losses for so many years, unable to accept my own shortcomings and sins.
My two precious children mushroomed, and each became a parent of three. So God has blessed me with six beautiful and wonderful grandchildren. My daughter has two girls and one boy, and my son has two boys and one girl. So I have three granddaughters and three grandsons. Even Steven, all the way. Perfectionist that I am, it is no surprise to me.
Bipolar means two sides. For me that was high or low, depressed or elated. Chemical imbalance they called it. You know manic depression. That's what they called it back in 1977 when I was diagnosed. I didn't really know anyone who had it, but me, and I sure wasn't going to broadcast it. It was frightening to know that I had a mental problem that I really didn't understand and could not control. Was I some kind of a freak? And they didn't know what caused it: childhood, chemical imbalance, environment, or genetics. In my mind, I reasoned, all of the above!
Looking back, I know that my life was mostly a living hell, and 50% of the time, it was euphoria! Reality is overrated, don't you think? Well, in my world it just has to be. I have been through way too much to think otherwise. But, today, life is good and God is in mine. I met Jesus in 1977 and gave my life to Him. I was on fire for the Lord, but the devil just did not, would no let me go. But, all of this time, I know, that I kept the faith, which has served to resurrect me into a new creature in Christ. Jesus set me free and I am free indeed. Free/eeer than ever before in what I considered a miserable, unrelenting life. The enemy is tenacious! But my God is bigger, as BIG as I choose to believe Him to be. Without faith it is impossible to please HIM!
But, things are different now. I am actually happy, blessed, and functional today. I've learned to live in the moment and take it one day at a time. I've learned to balance my life and not cave into the stress and demands of life. I have taken so many routes in my recovery. I cannot credit any one thing that brought me through the long dark tunnel that I walked through, many times being overtaken by yet another train coming through. Many times, I've had to get up, dust myself off, and crawl, to begin walking again. Seeing that light waiting for me to reach, but never being able to just touch it, actually touch and breath in the scent thereof.
I stepped into the psychiatrists office of a pretty recent inpatient hospitalization. I sat down and began to answer his questions. After a short while he said, "I don't think you are bipolar!" After all of these years, what is he telling me? I am stunned. I leave his office and later in the day, I see him and call him over to say, "I am bipolar, you know!"
The next day, I sit in his office again. I say, "Tell me about that condition, what is it?" "I want to know more about it!" He says, "Borderline Personality Disorder!" "Yea, what is it?" He explains very clearly, "When a child receives love and nurturing , and their basic needs are met, the child internalizes these things and it becomes part of their personality."
"When these things are missing from a child's life, there is not a strong foundation, and the child internalizes this and resorts back to an old personality." What a revelation! Now this is an explanation that I can live with. I readily accept this new condition. It sure beats the hell out of being a manic depressive, bipolar, chemically imbalanced, unstable, unpredictable, crazy woman. When I began the outpatient program, I was once again categorized as bipolar. But, I don't care about that anymore. I am bored with trying to learn and figure all of that out. It never really made sense to me and seemed like a dismal life status or sentencing.
I needed something new to figure into the equation. Now I feel that my prognosis is much better, because I know that a whole lot was lacking in my childhood. Things are much different for me today. There are new medications, for good or for bad, I have found that I have to be my own best doctor. I have had to resort to fine tuning my medications at times, or insisting that I be given the opportunity to try something new. I have learned to be proactive in my recovery, as well as, to be my own best friend and advocate. I have a lot more years ahead of me, so I may as well learn to love myself and begin to fill in those empty places within me with nurturing love and seeing that my most basic needs are met.
I have witnessed the closet doors opening and tons of so called manic depressives stepping out. Seems today that everyone and his brother is bipolar. "Small world isn't it, after all?" Sometimes we feel that we are all alone and tend to withdraw and isolate to some deserted island in the confines of our bed and lie there staring at the ceiling with open or closed eyes. The TV princess has come a long way, too. Gone are the days or hopping up to change the channel of what, six to eight channels? Now you can just press buttons and whola, you can surf tons, hundreds of channels. But I don't!
To tell you the truth, I don't even have a television hooked up. To easy to become absorbed in all the garbage that is there calling, "watch this, no, watch this and the commercials, my goodness, give us a break, and they always get higher in volume, damn commercials!" It is too tempting to become a couch potato and I'd much rather be a part of the life, instead of someone else's. Writing is one of my strongest passions, because it is the one thing I could do, no matter my state of mind. I love the ability to express my deepest feelings into written form. Writing is a poor man's wealth and a rich man's dreams. Through reading my expertise of writing is enhanced.
I have been a closet writer for many years, and I have so many possibilities in this little brain of mine. I have reached a stage in my life where I can actually envision myself moving forward with the creation of many writings, including poetry. I am thankful to have the opportunity to expand my horizons with simple means, much like a paper and pen can provide. For I am but a worker bee, but I have learned how to make it all work for me. There is so much to learn and experience every day, and I am only at the precipice of the mountain.
How about you? Jesus is knocking on the door of your heart and is just waiting for you to invite Him in. He wants to set you free from whatever it is that has been holding you down all of these years. Has it been all of your life. I am amazed at how far He has carried me, and I thought I did it all on my own. But looking back I see only one set of footprints! Take my yoke upon you and learn from me for my yoke is easy and my burden is light! Jesus Found Me
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Touch Us With The Breath Of Your Holiness, Love, And Forgiveness
Consider and hear me, O Lord my God, lighten mine eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death. Lest the enemy (satan) say, "I have prevailed against him, and those that troubled me rejoice when I am moved. ~ But I have trusted in thy mercy: my heart shall rejoice in thy salvation. I will sing unto the Lord, because He hath dealt bountifully with me. ~ Psalm 13
Lord, your mercies are from everlasting. Great is your Name in all of eternity. There is none like you. Enter our hearts and change our lives for without your loving care and grace we are as prey to the enemy (satan). Unto thee, O Lord, do I lift up my soul; let me not be ashamed, let not mine enemies triumph over me.
I long to see your goodness in the land of the living. You have opened my eyes to see the goodness and mercy of God. The mysteries of ages past are within my grasp. Lord, open our eyes to behold wonderful things in your Word. Let your presence be full in this life. Not only for myself do I ask, but for my family, loved ones, children, and grandchildren, the body of Christ, as well as the saved and the lost.
I pray that you surround us all with your special graces so that we can rise above the all that is contrary to your perfect will for our lives. Only your Holy Spirit in a human life can truly set us free from the captivity of the enemy (satan). Touch us with your breath of holiness, love, and forgiveness.
Be the God who has called us out of darkness and into your great and incomprehensible light. Change our hearts within where no one can ~ where only you can complete such a work. "Not by might, nor by power, but by your Holy Spirit!", saith the Lord of Hosts.
Plant your seed within us and cause it to grow by the light of your countenance, the presence of your Holy Spirit, your unfailing love, and the hope that has been revealed to us through the scriptures.
Awaken us in the morning with a holy kiss and not the curse of depression. Lead us and guide us through the day and cause our hearts to trust in you. Sustain us, God Jesus, with the strength of your arms which are not too short or weak to save.
We are weary of the exploitation and troubles that the enemy (satan) plots against us (your children). Lord, arise through the power of your Name, the power that God alone has given you. Let us feast in the victory that you won for humanity on Calvary. Show us the way to the Kingdom of God. Plant the seed of this Kingdom within our hearts, souls, and minds.
Help us to never lose hope in the promises written in your Word and demonstrated to us through the live that you led here on earth so that we can have the opportunity for salvation, eternal life, and freedom from the ugliness and condemnation that has caused us to sin and do so many things that a Holy God can never accept in His presence.
Kiss me in the morning, Lord, and let me feel your loving presence and guide me into a brand new day and life so that I can truly be a child of God, and do only those things that are pleasing onto God the Father. Help me to turn my will and my life over to the care of the one true God who really cares. The God who created everything, including me, for the purpose of bringing joy and happiness to His loving and open heart.
God Jesus, rescue the captives, those, Lord, who live so far away from the knowledge of your saving grace. Make me willing, Lord, to raise my voice and say, "Yes, Lord Jesus, God of righteousness and glory ~ I will come to your table, and eat your words, and go to the world to share your perfect plan ~ to draw all men unto the Father, the God who really cares!"
Help me, God, for I am a filthy person, a sinner whose only hope of salvation is through the cleansing blood of Christ. I need you so much in my life, Lord, for I know that I am really nothing without your active Holy Spirit helping me to turn my will and my life over to your perfect plan for my life.
Reach out to me with your holy arm, which is not too short or weak to save a hopeless sinner like me. Forgive me, Lord, for my sins are many, to numerous to count. Help me, Lord, to change the course of my life. Help me, Lord, to turn around and start afresh for I am looking for a blessing from the Lord. A way to serve your purposes, to stand in a place of reconciliation so that I can stop blindly sinning for I want to serve you, Lord Jesus.
I want to walk with you all the days of my life. I want to tell others the good news and point the way, your way ~ for you are the way, the truth, and the life. There is no darkness in your presence, Lord, for only you can reach into the depths of our filthiness and shame and plant the seed of God into the mud and mire that our lives have become.
Only you can send the sunshine of your Son, and the nurturing of the rain of your Holy Spirit ~ to cause us to become new creatures in Christ Jesus. Thank you, Lord, for never giving up your confidence in us. Thank you Jesus, for the sacrifice of your life. For dying on a horrible and lonely cross in my place. Thank you, Lord, for triumphing over the enemy (satan).
May the resurrection be realized as you arise in my own heart, soul, and mind. I wait upon you, Lord Jesus, the one true God, who has begun such a right and good work in me. I now rest in the promise that you will never leave or forsake me and that you alone will bring this good work to completion. Your desire is the salvation of our souls. Lord Jesus, God the Father, and the Holy Spirit ~ I trust in the capacity you alone possess to cause life to spring from the depths of darkness, despair, depression, and hopelessness. Praise your Holy Name.
In the Name of Jesus I write these things ~ Amen ><>
I will sing unto the Lord, because He hath dealt bountifully with me!
Found ~ March 13, 2010
Lord, your mercies are from everlasting. Great is your Name in all of eternity. There is none like you. Enter our hearts and change our lives for without your loving care and grace we are as prey to the enemy (satan). Unto thee, O Lord, do I lift up my soul; let me not be ashamed, let not mine enemies triumph over me.
I long to see your goodness in the land of the living. You have opened my eyes to see the goodness and mercy of God. The mysteries of ages past are within my grasp. Lord, open our eyes to behold wonderful things in your Word. Let your presence be full in this life. Not only for myself do I ask, but for my family, loved ones, children, and grandchildren, the body of Christ, as well as the saved and the lost.
I pray that you surround us all with your special graces so that we can rise above the all that is contrary to your perfect will for our lives. Only your Holy Spirit in a human life can truly set us free from the captivity of the enemy (satan). Touch us with your breath of holiness, love, and forgiveness.
Be the God who has called us out of darkness and into your great and incomprehensible light. Change our hearts within where no one can ~ where only you can complete such a work. "Not by might, nor by power, but by your Holy Spirit!", saith the Lord of Hosts.
Plant your seed within us and cause it to grow by the light of your countenance, the presence of your Holy Spirit, your unfailing love, and the hope that has been revealed to us through the scriptures.
Awaken us in the morning with a holy kiss and not the curse of depression. Lead us and guide us through the day and cause our hearts to trust in you. Sustain us, God Jesus, with the strength of your arms which are not too short or weak to save.
We are weary of the exploitation and troubles that the enemy (satan) plots against us (your children). Lord, arise through the power of your Name, the power that God alone has given you. Let us feast in the victory that you won for humanity on Calvary. Show us the way to the Kingdom of God. Plant the seed of this Kingdom within our hearts, souls, and minds.
Help us to never lose hope in the promises written in your Word and demonstrated to us through the live that you led here on earth so that we can have the opportunity for salvation, eternal life, and freedom from the ugliness and condemnation that has caused us to sin and do so many things that a Holy God can never accept in His presence.
Kiss me in the morning, Lord, and let me feel your loving presence and guide me into a brand new day and life so that I can truly be a child of God, and do only those things that are pleasing onto God the Father. Help me to turn my will and my life over to the care of the one true God who really cares. The God who created everything, including me, for the purpose of bringing joy and happiness to His loving and open heart.
God Jesus, rescue the captives, those, Lord, who live so far away from the knowledge of your saving grace. Make me willing, Lord, to raise my voice and say, "Yes, Lord Jesus, God of righteousness and glory ~ I will come to your table, and eat your words, and go to the world to share your perfect plan ~ to draw all men unto the Father, the God who really cares!"
Help me, God, for I am a filthy person, a sinner whose only hope of salvation is through the cleansing blood of Christ. I need you so much in my life, Lord, for I know that I am really nothing without your active Holy Spirit helping me to turn my will and my life over to your perfect plan for my life.
Reach out to me with your holy arm, which is not too short or weak to save a hopeless sinner like me. Forgive me, Lord, for my sins are many, to numerous to count. Help me, Lord, to change the course of my life. Help me, Lord, to turn around and start afresh for I am looking for a blessing from the Lord. A way to serve your purposes, to stand in a place of reconciliation so that I can stop blindly sinning for I want to serve you, Lord Jesus.
I want to walk with you all the days of my life. I want to tell others the good news and point the way, your way ~ for you are the way, the truth, and the life. There is no darkness in your presence, Lord, for only you can reach into the depths of our filthiness and shame and plant the seed of God into the mud and mire that our lives have become.
Only you can send the sunshine of your Son, and the nurturing of the rain of your Holy Spirit ~ to cause us to become new creatures in Christ Jesus. Thank you, Lord, for never giving up your confidence in us. Thank you Jesus, for the sacrifice of your life. For dying on a horrible and lonely cross in my place. Thank you, Lord, for triumphing over the enemy (satan).
May the resurrection be realized as you arise in my own heart, soul, and mind. I wait upon you, Lord Jesus, the one true God, who has begun such a right and good work in me. I now rest in the promise that you will never leave or forsake me and that you alone will bring this good work to completion. Your desire is the salvation of our souls. Lord Jesus, God the Father, and the Holy Spirit ~ I trust in the capacity you alone possess to cause life to spring from the depths of darkness, despair, depression, and hopelessness. Praise your Holy Name.
In the Name of Jesus I write these things ~ Amen ><>
I will sing unto the Lord, because He hath dealt bountifully with me!
Found ~ March 13, 2010
Friday, January 15, 2010
Wings Of Love In This Lifetime And The Next
All things work together for good to those who love God and are called according to His purposes. Live in the moment of life's completeness and nurture enough confidence to be assured that you are fitting into the perfect plan that God has for your own individual life.
Loving God, self, and others gives you wings of love that set you free to really love your life and soar on high with eagle's wings ~ keen of sight and wisdom. May your capacity be enlarged to receive the many gifts that God has for you in this lifetime and the next!
For my daughter-in-law, Tracy, on January 10, 2010
Loving God, self, and others gives you wings of love that set you free to really love your life and soar on high with eagle's wings ~ keen of sight and wisdom. May your capacity be enlarged to receive the many gifts that God has for you in this lifetime and the next!
For my daughter-in-law, Tracy, on January 10, 2010
~~~~~~~ ><> Hawaii <>< ~~~~~~~
Make A Wish And Say A Prayer
My granddaughter, Abbie, was diagnosed with leukemia on March 9, 2007. She had a rough eighteen months. She completed her treatment and her port was removed on July 3, 2009, a day before the big celebration day with fireworks, the fourth of July.
This week her family was picked up in a limousine and flown to Hawaii, thanks to the Make A Wish Foundation, which granted Abbie's wish to go to Hawaii.
It is so awesome that they are able to do this for children who are fighting so bravely for their lives. It really gives them something to look forward to, keeps their spirits up, and gives them hope and motivation.
God richly bless the "Make A Wish Foundation" for making something so wonderful to really happen for these children and their families. May the Lord continually bless the many hands and hearts that so diligently work to restore health and wholeness to so many sick and suffering children.
May we be blessed with many cures and solutions to all of the diseases that are plaguing our world in 2010. Jesus, you are the Great Physician, and have the power to turn anything around, and make it better. We give you all the praise and glory! Amen ><> Found
This week her family was picked up in a limousine and flown to Hawaii, thanks to the Make A Wish Foundation, which granted Abbie's wish to go to Hawaii.
It is so awesome that they are able to do this for children who are fighting so bravely for their lives. It really gives them something to look forward to, keeps their spirits up, and gives them hope and motivation.
God richly bless the "Make A Wish Foundation" for making something so wonderful to really happen for these children and their families. May the Lord continually bless the many hands and hearts that so diligently work to restore health and wholeness to so many sick and suffering children.
May we be blessed with many cures and solutions to all of the diseases that are plaguing our world in 2010. Jesus, you are the Great Physician, and have the power to turn anything around, and make it better. We give you all the praise and glory! Amen ><> Found
The Darkness Of The Night
You are a child of the universe and have a right to be all that you can be. Reach for the stars and don't be discouraged by the dark shadows.
Without them, we would not see the glory of the Heavens
against the darkness of the night! ~ Found ~
Without them, we would not see the glory of the Heavens
against the darkness of the night! ~ Found ~
Our Piece Of The Pie
There are animals that kill their young,
but humans are the only creatures that
seem to enjoy destroying themselves in
so many different ways.
Surely, there is a powerful force of
darkness driving us to insanity,
incarceration, and even death.
Broken homes and child abuse are
only the beginning of turning out
criminals, rapists, and murderers.
We lie, we cheat, we steal, commit
adultery, curse God, and more.
Lord, what is there that
we haven't done?
Greed, war, pride, prejudice,
abortion. We laugh in the
face of death and know that
we are really small and that
we really have no real power
or control.
We hide behind the delusion that
we are big and strong.
That we can live apart from God!
But like a candle burning,
the wick is getting shorter.
We think that we are invincible.
But we are part of the whole.
This human condition of separation
from God through sin. We are not
the first or the last. Others have
come before us. And now it is
our turn to make history, our
shot at the brass ring.
Time marches on and waits
for no one. Now is our moment
of decision to do the next right thing.
The Heavens await our impression
on the fraction of the whole that
is in our possession in this,
our moment of history.
~ Found ~
but humans are the only creatures that
seem to enjoy destroying themselves in
so many different ways.
Surely, there is a powerful force of
darkness driving us to insanity,
incarceration, and even death.
Broken homes and child abuse are
only the beginning of turning out
criminals, rapists, and murderers.
We lie, we cheat, we steal, commit
adultery, curse God, and more.
Lord, what is there that
we haven't done?
Greed, war, pride, prejudice,
abortion. We laugh in the
face of death and know that
we are really small and that
we really have no real power
or control.
We hide behind the delusion that
we are big and strong.
That we can live apart from God!
But like a candle burning,
the wick is getting shorter.
We think that we are invincible.
But we are part of the whole.
This human condition of separation
from God through sin. We are not
the first or the last. Others have
come before us. And now it is
our turn to make history, our
shot at the brass ring.
Time marches on and waits
for no one. Now is our moment
of decision to do the next right thing.
The Heavens await our impression
on the fraction of the whole that
is in our possession in this,
our moment of history.
~ Found ~
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